The fear

My girlfriend often recognises the extreme lengths we go to as people not to be excluded from the group. She is acutely aware of our need to be included in a pack or a tribe, no matter how small or isolated from the rest of the community that may be.

I am just starting to realise how much that has driven me my whole life. For most of the last ten years I've had dreams and ideas of how amazing I could be. For ten years I have been developing and practising my photography, building up my skills and looking for perfection. When I attained that I would be good enough to go out on a limb and pack in my day job. For five years I have had my own businesses cards advertising my photography. For three years I have run a website advertising my photography and let it sit there, doing very little to market myself. Forever, I have promoted and enabled others to live their dreams. To be their bigness. Why have I not followed my dreams? Why have I not packed in my day job? Why have I not promoted myself? I have had the fear.

The fear of ridicule. The fear of standing out. The fear of being left standing when everyone else sits back down. The fear of my own bigness. The fear that I could actually make a statement in this world and be there to take the applause. 

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
— Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"

I still have the fear, but am starting to realise that through that fear is emerging something else. A realisation that I am already pretty amazing. A realisation that I have a unique and intimate view of the world that shines through in my photography.  A realisation that I can make my own dreams come true, that making my own dreams come true is important. It doesn't mean that I stop being an enabler, after all I am very good at that. But by not following my dreams, I become a drain on others around me trying to follow theirs. By following my dreams I will create space for others to do the same.